Bush "Shot in the arm" Economic Policy
Washington, DC
- President Bush announced at a press conference on
Friday his new “shot in the arm” economic policy. “This new economic policy I
have had a vision of is to put a shot in the arm of everyone who controls actual
spending of moneys in our terrorist-free land,” he stated in his opening
statement.
Continuing on, “I
am going to appoint the leadership for this economic campaign. The leaders will,
after their training boot camp, go to the Congressional members of the House and
Senate Ways & Means committees to give them a “shot in the arm” to write my
policy into law.”
Then he said,
“Here’s what I have seen. This isn’t a dream, mind you. my Vice President, Dick
Cheney, will amass his lieutenants -0 Wolfowitz, Pearle, Addington, Libby,
Matalin - at an upstate Pennsylvania lodge for their comprehensive training in
firearms use - extreme close range. Within 6 short months of close-order drills
in arms shooting with various types of weapons, they will be ready for combat -
er - leading the House and Senate committee members to the table to write my
vision into law. In a true democratic fashion, I might add.”
Asked how these
Cheney-taught people would effect the vision, the president said with his famous
snicker, “He-he-he, well with a real ‘shot in the arm!’ “ He’ll show ‘em how to
bring ‘em down - er - to the table.”
A reporter asked,
“You are seriously going to have the Vice President shoot House & Senate
members?”
“No - he won’t do
the shooting. Just teach ‘em how to do it. Paul, Dickie, Davey, Mattie - they’ll
do the arm shooting. Just wing ‘em a little in their left arms - don’t want any
damage on the right, you see. He-he-he. Well if they get Pelosi or Rangel in
the left side, that could happen.”
Brit Hume
questioned, “How do you plan to treat all these wounds?”
“Oh,” the president
answered, “these will be mostly superficial wounds. You know, token blood.
There’ll be a few Halliburton folds in the cloak rooms to wipe off the blood,
staple up the mistaken chest wound or two, that sort of thing. Not expected to
be a big deal.
“I don’t see it
going much past noon - two o’clock at most - for the rest of the members to get
my drift on this economy vision thing.”
Helen Thomas was
recognized. “Mr President, what will all this cost?”
“Well Helen,” Mr.
Bush began, “I was hoping someone would see past the hoopla and get into the
dirt with me. I figure it will put about $150 billion into the economy in 6
months.”
“Follow up Mr.
President?”
“Sure Helen.”
“Exactly how will
this take place?”
“Helen, you are like a
little terrorist - er terrier - on this I see. OK, here’s my view on the
payout... Cheney and his boot camp costs…$60 billion; House & Senate
shootout…$18 billion; KBR cleanup…$70 billion; Presidential staff and travel…$2
billion.”
“Followup sir?”
“Well, OK Helen…but
final answer here from me, he-he-he.”
“Why so much for
travel for you and staff? If your ‘shot in the arm’ is only going to last for a
morning, maybe through lunch?”
“OK, OK, OK…I get
where you are going with this. I really have to sell this around the world to
our ally, you know. I for see 6-8 trips to talk with Brown in London. Then at
least as many trips to talk with Tony Blair wherever he may bee in his global
job. Our closest estimate is $2 BN here, which is probably more than we will
actually spend. But we are including a 15% cost overrun as we are outsourcing
the flights that will move my motorcade back and forth to save a little.”
“I know that sounds
silly as we are supposed to be putting this money into our own economy, but the
fast freight shipping company is based in Dubai, and that money won’t ever get
back to our economy in my lifetime. Where as Cheney promises to buy a couple of
ranches more in Montana or wherever he plans to retire. That will easily be back
in the economy by Christmas. And that’s what this country needs is more spending
on those Christmas presents, folks.”
By Bobzaguy
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