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Bush To Appoint Torture  Czar          

Washington, DC - Riding out the remaining 390 days left in his second term as president, George Bush has proposed to add a new Torture Czar to his administration’s cabinet.  As proposed, the new torture Czar will have primary oversight of torture administered by the CIA but will also oversee torture administered by all local and federal agencies.

Dana PerinoThe Torture Czar will work with CIA director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying obtained from detainees.    

Announced at a news conference today at the White House, the president's press secretary Dana Perino, told reporters that “The Torture Czar will balance our national security needs with our constitution. It is part of our national conscience to make sure that our agencies tasked with protecting our citizens and fighting the war on terror have the tools they need, while at the same time upholding the principles on which our fine county is based.”

As outlined by the White House, the Torture Czar will provide the guidelines tying specific techniques of torture to specific types of investigations.    The White House did not comment on whether the Torture Czar would approve the controversial water boarding torture technique if they felt it was warranted.  

White House spokesman Perino did add however, “The last thing that anyone wants to see is a detainee or prisoner of war being water boarded for information that we already know.”  

In addition to overseeing torture administered by the CIA and other federal agencies, the Torture Czar will also work with state and local enforcement agencies to make sure that any torture methods that they use are in proportion to the crimes that they are investigating.     

The Bush administration envisions that the Torture Czar will also have plenty of opportunities to work with police departments in cities like Chicago and New York where torture has long been conducted in back rooms behind closed doors.  

Spokesman Perino told Red Tractor USA “In addition to high profile CIA torture cases, there will be plenty of opportunities to work with the metropolitan police departments to advice them on all appropriate methods.”  Perino added, “From what we hear in Chicago they regularly whip a bunch of ass anyway so the Torture Czar will work with the city to make sure the torture is administered publicly.”     

The White House indicated by acting proactively on this matter, they will be out in front on torture issues reported by the press and also be in a position to save local and federal governments money from lawsuits attacking the legality of secretly administered torture.  

At press time the White House declined to offer any names that they were considering to fill this position but they told the gathered reporters that they hope to announce a candidate soon.      

Speculation in the White Hose hallways included the names of Senator John McCain and Paul Wolfowitz.

By David Kruk

 

 

08/18/2008

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News Satire Disclaimer

Red Tractor USA is a news satire and political satire web publication.   All news articles contained within are fiction, fake news,  news satire, humor, political satire or general humor and satire news.  All names used are fictional except those belonging to celebrities and politicians.   Any resemblance to the truth is a pure coincidence in cases of news satire except for all references to George W. Bush, the Bush administration, Dick Cheney, and the White House.     Red Tractor USA is intended for a mature audience.   If our site is offensive in any way, please watch Glenn Beck or  Bill O'Reilly if you are more comfortable with lies, distortions and half truths.  If you have a sense of humor and enjoy news satire and political satire, please enjoy.  

 

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