Dignified Man Rejects Consolation Prize
SHROPSHIRE, ENGLAND– Many eyebrows were raised last Friday when favored
patrician Edward Randolph Cunningham III declined to receive a conciliatory
trinket in recognition of his second-place showing at the 19th annual croquet
tournament held at the Duchess of Shrewsbury's palace. Mr. Cunningham rejected
the prize on the grounds that accepting such a shameful marker of his inadequacy
would cause his dignity to suffer most unduly.
Upon
presentation of the award by Her Grace the Duchess, Mr. Cunningham flatly said,
"No, thank you," and turned sharply on his heel. Upon further insistence by his
peers he remarked that to accept the award would "simply be unbecoming of a man
of my status," and "wouldn't they agree?" The prize, a small silver cup mounted
on a base of hand-carved black walnut, was not even engraved with Cunningham's
illustrious name.
The
snub, which was taken not at all well, has inspired many well-to-doers to make
subtle yet poignant remarks about Cunningham's apparent lack of humility when it
comes to these sorts of affairs. These remarks, though often veiled in thick
layers of sarcasm and wit, are no less disparaging towards Cunningham's
character.
"Perhaps
he would do well to have one of his servants accept it on his most honorable and
gracious behalf," quipped Sir Waldron Clarke, monocle wearer. "Surely it would
not be above any of them to receive such a prize."
Sir
Harold Allwright won the tournament by a respectable margin, but admits to
finding little to celebrate in his victory. "There is little fun in competing
with a poor sportsman, and frankly, I won't have any of it," said Allwright. "I
still consider Edward a friend through all this, but I sincerely hope he comes
to his senses before tea."
Since
the affair, Mr. Cunningham has not been formally invited to any to-dos held by
England's aristocrats, or even to events hosted by the various secret clubs,
organizations, and fellowships of which he is member. The Men and Women's
Society for Gentlemen and Ladies has decried Cunningham's actions as "bad form,"
and insists upon a formal written apology before they will again recognize him
as holding the celebrated title of Sublime Ambassador to the
Royal Enigma.
"Mr.
Cunningham often values his pride above good behavior," remarked Lady Olivia
Windsor, wealthy heiress. "We landed gentry have come to expect this sort of
thing from Edward, but his recent faux pass is nonetheless offensive to our
refined sensibilities. It shall forever be regarded as a black mark in his
family's history."
Cunningham, who has recently turned to a bottle of Auchentoshan 1973 in order to
ease the pain of seclusion, has occasionally been seen in his yard either
practicing his stop-shot or preparing for next Saturday's bocce competition
where it is generally agreed that he will make a complete arse of himself.
By
Michael Wakcher
|
Saying that he became a
slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills
filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the
drug.
