McCain Proposes A
"BASE Jumping" National Tour
New River Gorge Bridge, Fayetteville, VA — Republican Presumptive
presidential candidate John McCain began a study today of the extreme sports
phenomenon called BASE jumping. This is a sport involving the use of a parachute
to jump from fixed objects--with the parachute unopened at the jump. "BASE" is
an apronym that stands for the four categories of fixed objects from which one
can jump: Building, Antenna, Span and Earth.
 Senator
McCain begins, "I am trying to work campaign stops into as many political bases
as possible before Obama gets them all for himself. I thought that this would be
a good way to catch your attention, you media guys, and also alert my various
bases that I am thinking about them. Wow! Look at that gorge. You mean people
jump off and go down there?"
While men who enjoy this sport are very
serious about what they jump from, Mr. McCain seems to be considering this as a
way to campaign throughout the country. His plan is to keep the media on his
tail so he doesn't lose too much face time on the TV newscasts during the runup
to the election in November. So, we are advised that he will be touring through
the various states where there are viable jump locations.
When asked where he planned to begin the
tour, he simply said "Well, on the top of my bus, you silly sack. I can get up
there and jump all day long."
Pushed to give a more complete itinerary of
his tour, the Senator said "We are still getting all the permissions lined up. I
hope that I will be able to do the Golden Gate, the Statue of Liberty, the Grand
Canyon and I haven't found an antenna yet, but maybe there will be one that
isn't too high. There aren't a lot of places to jump from in my favorite red
states. I don't understand this fact, since Red covers most of the country, they
just don't have much to jump from."
Most of the red states have small
populations, whereas most of the blue states have large ones. The blue may be
small in area, but they are large in terms of numbers of people.
Asked why he really was doing this very
extreme sports type of thing, he allowed that "Hey, I am being accused of being
too old and out of touch. I think that Barrack Obama doesn't know who he is
challenging here. Just wait till I go off the edge of the Grand Canyon, a fine
red state jumping place."
He continued, "You guys all are f'ing wimps
here in the media. I just want to show the American people that they will get a
fine, energetic president when they vote me into the White House. That's all."
Since it was almost time for the Straight
Talk Express to get rolling, the Senator climbed up on top of the bus and gave a
little show about how he had been practicing his jumping. As the bus began to
slowly pull away, 4 staffers lifted up a small trampoline while running behind
the bus, to catch Mr. McCain. He jumped up and down a couple of times and them
waved them off. "The bus is going to fast for me to jump here, he yelled. Good
thing no one brought their cameras today. Obama'd have a field day if he saw
this on UTube."
By Bobzaguy
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