Overrated Slut Gives Bad Head
WORLDWIDE – Jake Crawford,
senior at Tulane University of Louisiana, was disappointed to find that the
blowjob he received last night from a highly touted slut was well below
average.
But Jake is not alone.
 Hundreds
of students at Tulane share the same story. A friend or acquaintance recommends
Valerie Kristensen as a top-notch head-giver. By the end of the blowjob, if not
sooner, they realize she’s not all she’s cracked up to be. Kristensen, a 5’ 8”,
22-year-old blonde, is a devout Catholic and pretty damn hot as far as things
go.
“Anyone who believes a blowjob
from Ms. Kristensen is going to be any good is just asking for a let down,” said
Aaron Huff, Professor of Linguistics at the University. “I can’t think of a
single member of the faculty who would not agree.”
Unremarkable performances
notwithstanding, Kristensen’s reputation among those who have not received head
from her is still very positive. In a random survey of 1,000 male Louisianans
of legal age, 95% believed Kristensen would give “pleasurable” or “above
average” fellatio. When the same group was surveyed one hour later (following Kristensen
blowjobs), 82% said the experience was “not good” while the remaining 18%
conceded it was merely “so-so.”
“This is not just a concern for
you or your neighbors, this is a concern for all of us,” said
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal who reportedly received head from
Kristensen just last Monday. Jindal has floated several initiatives aimed at
educating Louisianans on the truth about Kristensen’s lackluster abilities. The
state will require aid from the federal government to cover the $2.6 billion
necessary to jumpstart these programs.
In response to similar
situations regarding Kristensen in all fifty states, Congress is set to vote on
a spending bill next Thursday that would address the blowjob problem on a
national level. In the meantime, many celebrities who have fallen victim to
Kristensen’s unpleasant services including Orlando Bloom,
Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Eddie Murphy, Kal
Penn, Tom Cruise, Kobe Bryant, Brad Pitt, Robin Williams, George Clooney, Tim
Robbins, Jaleel White, Patrick Stewart, Donald Trump, Benicio Del Toro, Eminem,
Keanu Reeves, Bill Murray, Dwayne Johnson, Jeff Bridges, Daniel Craig, Billy
West, Alan Rickman, James Rolfe, Michael Vick, Adam Sandler, Angelina Jolie
(alleged), and George Clinton, have contributed time and money to the cause.
The lingering fear, however, is
that the situation is becoming global at a rate much faster than any one
government’s ability to contain it. Kristensen’s overestimated head became a
global issue earlier this week, when a city of 10 million in rural China rose up
in collective disgust at the mediocrity of her performance. President Bush
apologized to Chinese president Hu Jintao, assuring the Hu that he understood
just the sort of thing his people were going through.
“The people of the world are
frightfully ignorant of this girl’s lack of sexual prowess,” said Bush. “It is
America’s mission to free the world from the tyranny of unpleasant sucking.”
President Hu has since added
the act of receiving a blowjob from Kristensen to China’s “Core Value System,” a
set of moral concepts developed by Hu for modern Chinese Citizens consisting of
“Eight Honors and Eight (now nine) Shames.”
Both John McCain and Barack
Obama have agreed that the Kristensen crisis will be a major issue in the 2008
presidential race, and the subject of intense debate. Obama has received head
from Kristensen on four separate occasions while McCain has only been serviced
three times.
Kristensen’s boyfriend, under
extreme pressure to aid in rectifying the situation, issued a statement earlier
today saying “My open relationship with Valerie seems to be doing a lot more for
her than it is for me. Really though, I just want her to be happy.” Kristensen
herself was unavailable for comment as she has been physically indisposed for
the last several months.
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon
spoke gravely about the Kristensen epidemic at a UN summit on June 21st
held specifically to address the issue. “The world faces a crisis the likes of
which we have never seen,” said Ban. “The disappointment we have all had,
expecting so much and receiving so little, is currently faced by millions of
people around the world every day.”
“This is why the UN exists, to
stop overrated hussies like this from giving disappointing blowjobs to men of
all ethnicities, races, and creeds,” continued Ban. “We have all experienced the
problem first hand, and now it is our task to unite against this international
slut. We must do everything in our power to prevent Valerie Kristensen from
orally pleasuring even one more citizen of the world.”
Her number
is 318-555-0199.
By
Michael Wakcher
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