The Best News Satire In The Field

WASHINGTON - On January 20^th, Super-Obama, the hero we have all come to know and love, will at long last reveal his secret identity to the adoring masses who elected him 44th President of the United States. As President, Super-Obama has promised to use his powers only for good, and is expected to save the world, and millions of American jobs, immediately after taking the oath of office.  

United States law prohibits super-powered individuals with unknown alter-egos from holding the office of President, making the revealing of Super-Obama's secret identity an eagerly awaited event, and strict legal necessity. 

"I am eager to finally show America who I really am, now that I've won the presidency and am moments away from being sworn in," said Super-Obama, speaking from the steps of the Halls of Justice. "This is a journey we all go on together for the next four years or more." 

The question of Super-Obama's true identity has captivated the American public ever since his speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, in which he strongly endorsed himself for President in 2008, and incidentally mentioned Sen. John Kerry. Super-Obama's speech began with a detailed explanation of his origin story, but included few details about the man behind the proverbial mask. 

The mystery surrounding Super-Obama's identity was often used as a point of attack by Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Democratic Primaries, and again by Sen. John McCain during the Presidential race.  

"Those villains tried all kinds of attacks, but I, and the American public, were too smart for them," said Super-Obama, speaking from the steps of the Halls of Justice. "Senator Clinton has since earned my trust, but I'll be keeping a close eye on her for the good of the nation, and all the jobs I have sworn to protect." 

Super-Obama has many powers, including the ability to promise anything, make people believe in empty phrases by repeating them over and over, and the power to destroy racial barriers. Super-Obama's powers are believed to come from the unusually high level of melanin in his skin, which allows him to absorb more green energy from the sun than a normal Washington elite.  

Some sources even claim that Super-Obama has the ability to avoid media scrutiny. This notion is frequently contested by the FOX News Network. 

Our hero's only known weakness is Kenyanite, an earthy substance said to come from the remnants of his far away home planet. When exposed to Kenyanite, Super-Obama loses all of his powers but can still run faster than an average human. 

Other weaknesses were at one time thought to include a lack of  political experience, limited appeal to blue collar workers, association with the Islamic faith, Bill Ayers, Reverend Jeremiah White, cigarettes, and a cosmic super-force known as "the Bradley effect." Super-Obama has proven that all of these menaces are easily overcome by his mighty charisma-vision. 

But as the inauguration draws near, Super-Obama's hero status is threatened by an even greater foe: Reality. The sworn enemies of Super-Obama eagerly await the revealing of his identity and true nature, which they expect to be a liability when it comes to the test of actually running a nation. 

"We don't want him to ruin the country," said Mike Duncan, current chair of the Republican National Convention. "We just want him to screw up so horribly that people are actually willing to trust us Republicans again."  

The U.S. Department of Meta-Human affairs has narrowed down Super-Obama's secret-identity to three likely candidates. Is he the similarly named Barack Obama, a former community organizer and  constitutional law professor? Is he Patrick Mendez, the unsuspecting hair stylist? Or is he Alex Chang, comic book store owner and science-fiction enthusiast? 

Though the answer will soon be revealed, many people dislike the idea of having super-powered politicians, regardless of whether or not their secret identities are publicly known.

"The only super hero I've ever voted for is the Governator (secret identity, Arnold Schwarzenegger), but that was only because he ran on a Republican platform," said Darren Beers, Los Angeles resident. "But these spandex-wearing liberal crusader types just can't be trusted, what with their flying around and championing of social justice." 

"Super-Obama is a vigilante, trying to change the system from the inside while still acting like a political outsider," added Beers. "Soon, people will see he's not half the hero he's cracked up to be." 

The precedent for full identity disclosure on the part of the President was set by General Lafayette in 1789, who became the first U.S. President after revealing that he was actually George Washington of the Continental Army.

"No matter who he turns out to be, the inauguration will be a great day for the United States, and the world," said a fervent Super-Obama supporter. "I only wish Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, and Captain America were alive to see this day." 

By Michael Wakcher